Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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