You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
