I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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