I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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