I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
