he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
