Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
