Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
