so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The air was thick with penises
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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