I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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