woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
