I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
