i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
