we're chasing vodka with high fives
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
