The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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