This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
