I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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