You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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