theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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