I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
