I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
