Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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