Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
