Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
