I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
only if we run a train.
done.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
