He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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