My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
