She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
