My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
