My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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