I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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