i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Terrible idea I love it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
