i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
