chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
