hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
