He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
