she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
