You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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