I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
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we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
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Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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