so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
