it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
