The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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