I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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