i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
True college students do jello shots in the library
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
