Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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