Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
