Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
