so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
