sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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