Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
