she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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