I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
