"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
