we have pet lesbian snakes
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
