I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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