U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
