Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
