just tell him i said nine months
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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